Advice from women who have experienced a pregnancy/infant loss to others

In the course of my research for this documentary and blog series, I have talked to many mothers who have experienced loss in one form or another. Whether during early pregnancy, mid pregnancy, late pregnancy, right after birth or when the baby was older due to health reasons or SIDS.  I have compiled some advice from different mothers who have experienced loss. They want to share their wisdom with not only those who are or have experienced loss but also with those who haven’t experienced but might know someone who has. These all came from various women, from different cultures and backgrounds. Like snowflakes in the snow, no 2 women experiencing loss are the same. It always happens for a different reason.

1. Everything happens for a reason and god has his plans its nothing you did, you will be blessed again when it is your time, don’t be afraid to talk about it (or not want to talk about it) lean on those close to you don’t be afraid to turn to counseling
2. My best piece of advice after losing two baby boys in my second trimester.... Life gets separated into a before and after. Life cannot ever be the same; you won’t ever be the same. Don’t expect to go back to your old self but you will find a new normal. You will get through it. Don’t put a time stamp on your grief. Be easy on yourself. Don’t feel ashamed. Don’t bottle up your grief. Sharing your story can be a blessing and could possibly help the next victim of infant or pregnancy loss. Some days it’ll hurt to look outside and see the world continuing to revolve. Take your time. It gets better. One day you’ll wake up and realize it hurts just a tiny bit less. Utilize your moments of strength. Journal. Seek support within a loss community.
3.  My advice would be let yourself mourn and don’t forget about them. Don’t let people pretend it didn’t happen or make it into nothing. It hurts the worst when you feel like no one is as sad as you are, so talk about it. People need to understand how much you are hurting to help you heal even if all they do is sit there with you while you cry.
4. My best advice is let your partner be there to support they are grieving just as much as you. They just grieve maybe different don’t suffer alone with it. It's not our fault that it happened. Find someone to talk maybe who has been through it too because they understand more than who hasn't or get some counseling. It's ok to never forget because they were apart of you.
5. DONT LISTEN TO THEM! They are trying to make themselves feel better
6. My piece of advice would be that emotions will come in waves! Somedays the waves will be calm and somedays there will be a storm coming in and it's okay to sometimes be in that storm but at the end of the day we need to power through it to get to the eye.
7. My advice would be to take as much time as you need to grieve that loss no matter how far you were and to talk about them all you want!
8.  Be kind to yourself, your feelings are normal. Every single one of them.
9. Advice- my husband and I joined a small support group for loss parents and found a therapist who specializes in infant loss. Both of these things saved our lives, our marriage and allowed us to heal enough to try for another child.
10. Take one day at a time and talk about it. Don’t let it be something that never happened. Cry when you need to cry, scream when you need to scream. Do what you need to do. My rainbow babies are 4 and 15 days old and I still think of the ones I didn’t get to bring home
11.  I found that talking to other women who had suffered a loss helped me tremendously. Knowing that you aren’t alone and everything that you are feeling is normal. 
12.  1) Find a Friend that has gone through the same to talk to
13. 2) Ignore people's stupid comments they really don't know what to say.
14. 3) Look for help a group, or Therapy if you are religious church groups!
15. 4) Find an outlet to get your anger out exercise, write, paint, and hobby, whatever works for you. Better to get it out on something that is not your friends or family or spouse.
16.  My advice is taking your time on grieving, you’ll never be okay but it will get a little easier as you learn to cope. Grieve your way and not how others say how you should. If you want to be alone be alone, if you want to be surrounded by people then do that.
17. As a mum who lost 3 in the first trimester the most valuable thing I heard was its ok to cry, it’s ok not to be ok and your baby matters. Plant a tree or a plant, I love my rose bushes, the feeling that I had nothing to show my baby was ever here hurt so bad and while the bushes didn’t remove any pain they were something real I could look at and talk to, I guess it’s personal preference but it helped me x
18.  My advice would be that you will get through it. It is a hard journey and you won't ever get of it but you will learn to come to terms with it. When you get pregnant with your rainbow you may feel disconnected or you may feel extremely happy. It's all completely normal. Also grieve how u want to grieve everyone grieves differently. Don't worry about anyone's opinions especially if they never been through it. Just know you’re not alone I know you may feel like you are and that's completely normal as well. I lost my first child at 22 weeks 4 days and it was the hardest thing I have EVER dealt with. I am currently pregnant with my rainbow. Ironically I fell pregnant the same month I did with my daughter. 8 months after I had her. It's a lot being pregnant again. I'm emotionally numb but the thought of losing this baby again makes me sad and nervous. I'm taking all precautions to make sure I don't lose this baby but nothing is guaranteed. And I just want to put this out there if you have kids please love and cherish those kids. This is coming from someone who doesn't get much love from her parents and never really has. You can do this 💪! We are all STRONG women 💜
19.  This loss is real. People find it hard to support you because in their mind you didn’t know the baby, so the loss isn’t as bad as other losses. You know that isn’t true, so take your time to grieve. Don’t let people tell you what is acceptable and what isn’t and don’t let others push you to get pregnant before you are ready. You have lost a child and you must grieve in your own way.
20. As for advice for other mamas, it’s to just take it easy! It takes time to heal so don’t be in a rush to do anything. Give yourself time to grieve and heal, both physically and emotionally. Also, it does get better!
21.  One of the best things my SIL who'd had multiple losses said to me was just to let myself really feel ALL of the emotions when they came, instead of pushing them away, but not to dwell on them. Feel them, processes, and move forward. I also found talking openly about my miscarriages very healing whether it was to family, friends, or a counselor.
22.  My advice to women would be to be gentle to themselves. Allow yourself time to grieve properly and if you need help, please get it. Don’t rush moving on just because other people say to. You’ve suffered a loss, you need time to heal.

I am sure there is a lot more wisdom and advice out there but these pieces of wisdom were shared from the heart of those who are going through or have been through a loss of any type.