I'll hold you in my heart Until I hold you in heaven!

Monica Taylor is a mom from Dromore South, Dromahane Co Cork Ireland. I met her through one of my many support groups for women/families who have felt the loss of a pregnancy/infant/child. She was willing to share her story in my blog series from a crossed the ocean. A lot of women suffer from miscarriage. Some might not even know they are having a miscarriage; others have what is called “missed miscarriage” where it is undiagnosed until later in the pregnancy. Some women have miscarriages and then have a baby while others have consecutive miscarriages and try hard for their rainbow. While some of these moms with consecutive miscarriages may never know why they are happening, they long for the end of the tunnel when they finally get to hold that little one, their rainbow through the storm. Monica had 4 consecutive miscarriages after 3 healthy pregnancies with no explanation, one of which was twins so in total she lost 5 little angels.  Her and her husband met at a soccer practice and became best friends and married. They have 3 other children and 5 angels and now their rainbow.

This is her story.

“After having 3 normal pregnancies with no issues or difficulties and a normal healthy delivery with all 3, we decided to have one more baby to complete our family. Unfortunately we had our very first miscarriage at 11 weeks. I started spotting and knew then and there something was not right. They couldn't tell me why as everything else was completely normal. We grieved and we got through it. We were then ready to try again. I fell pregnant, spotted once again and went for scans to be told everything is normal and looks great and baby is fine however then again when I hit 11 and a half weeks, I went for another scan to be told sorry, there is no heart beat and again they couldn't give a reason. The same thing happened with our 3rd consecutive miscarriage however this time we had the heart break of being told it was twins that I was carrying. After that, they did all the medical tests and screenings to try and figure out why this was happening but everything came back clear. There was no medical reason for it is what they had told me. With our 4th miscarriage, everything was perfect - there was no cramps, no bleeding or spotting, no issues that was known and all 3 prior scans showed everything being perfect. I then went on to have my 13 week scan to once again be told, I'm sorry there is no heartbeat. Everything looked seemingly perfect and baby had formed and grew perfectly yet there was no movement and no heartbeat. That was the hardest I think as I had thought I was finally out the 1st trimester and we were going to make it. 

After the 4th consecutive miscarriage, I decided that was it and we were going to have a break and reevaluate after a year if we still wanted to try again or not for another baby. I went on to the contraceptive pill for a month and when I was supposed to continue on the pill, we found out I was pregnant again. (go figure huh) I proceeded to spot and cramp and I had thought, that's it, another miscarriage will be happening. However, we somehow made it through. We made it through the entire pregnancy and I was on edge and anxious the entire time worried something was going to happen. Even when I was in labor with my little girl, I was scared. Pure terror that something was going to happen. Once she was born and they told me she's good I burst into tears with such relief because we had finally done it, I finally had her in my arms and everything was okay.”

Her rainbow daughter has helped her in many ways. She has given her the strength to “heal and accept what happened. It might not make sense, it might not be fair. However if I did not have those miscarriages then I would not have our rainbow, Isla right now. I would not have this exact baby and I couldn’t imagine my life or my family without her in it.” Her favorite thing about her rainbow Isla is that she is always laughing and always smiling even when she is not feeling good.

The hardest part about the pregnancy with Isla was her anxiety. “I was anxious from the moment I found out I was pregnant, right up until she was born and they told me she was alright and everything was good.” Her first thought when she found out she was pregnant again was to ‘enjoy every moment of the pregnancy, every movement, and even all the down pits of being pregnant because she was so happy and completely and utterly grateful to be pregnant.”

If she could go back in time to give herself advice to prepare her for her losses, she would say “Everything happens for a reason and you will rise against the storm and will reach your rainbow no matter how rough and dark the storm seems, you will get there. Never give up and never lose faith.”

One thing she wishes people wouldn’t say to those who are experiencing or have experienced loss is “It doesn’t matter how far along they aware when they lost their baby, the hurt is still the same. Don’t say at least it happened early on. Also, never tell someone the only reason you miscarried is because there was something wrong with the baby so it’s for the best.”

Credit for photography: Bleu Jupitor Imagery