What NOT TO SAY to someone experiencing a pregnancy/infant loss
Like my previous article talking about advice for
mothers/families experiencing a loss, I also compiled a list of things that
women who have experienced a loss want others to learn not to say during or
after their loss. These are things that don’t help us feel any better and even
sometimes make us feel worse.
One thing I have noticed while going through my own
stillbirth as well as talking to other moms, who have experienced a loss, is
people seem to think that losses farther along in pregnancy are harder than
those early on. Or that if you have a loss after you already have kids that it’s
okay and you should just focus on the other children. I surveyed some women who have experienced
losses and these are the things they wish people WOULD NOT say when they
experienced their loss.
·
At least you weren’t that far
along” , will your next baby replace the one you lost, when are you going to
try again?
·
“Maybe it wasn’t
meant to be”
·
“You can
try to get pregnant again”
·
“At least you
know you can get pregnant”
·
“god just needed another angel”
·
“at least it was early”
·
“it will happen when it’s meant to happen”
·
“You can
just try again. At least you already have one. God has a plan.”
·
"maybe
there was something wrong and God knew you couldn't deal with it"
·
Well now you
can move on ...
·
The last
one just wasn't meant to be....
·
You are young. You can have more.
·
God knew you just weren’t ready.
·
They are in a better place
·
"Are you
pregnant again yet?"
·
"Your
angel was needed elsewhere"
·
oh well let's
not talk about it and try and change the subject like my kids didn't exist!
·
"God's will"
·
"Try again" (lost 9
before my rainbow)
·
"Be glad you don't have kids,
being a mom is hard"
·
When they would hide their
pregnancies from me because they assumed I couldn't be happy for them.
·
God always
has a plan and oh at least u can get pregnant or when I got pregnant oh now u
can forget about your loss
·
“Everything
happens for a reason” and “It’s God’s plan” are the stupidest things people say
over and over again. I also hated it when people asked during my pregnancy if
it was my first or now if my son is my first. I don’t understand the logic of
this question. Who cares which number it is? Just congratulate me or say he’s s
beautiful baby and keep walking.
·
"Oh
not to worry darling you can try again"
·
It wasn’t meant
to be. You can try again.
·
Miscarriages are
common.
·
After
having my son and losing a pregnancy people have said, at least you have your
son.
·
"Well you
can always have another one." And "you can’t really feel the loss since
you never heard the heart, felt it move, or saw it so I mean it’s kind of like
you weren’t pregnant"
·
It is
never okay to say it was for the best
·
" I know how
you feel"
·
"It's
okay"
·
One thing
told to. Us as well was " your son would've probably been sick anyway so
you lucked out"
·
I wish
people wouldn't say anything that begins with "At least..."
·
After losing
multiple times but still wanting to try again it was said "maybe this is
the sign that you should be done and grateful for the kids you do have"
not what I needed to hear.
·
“At least you
already have one, can’t you just be grateful you have him?”.
·
“At least your
baby/pregnancy was only ____ weeks along (meaning earlier in the pregnancy),
instead of _____ months along (later in the pregnancy).” Like, “at least you were only 12 weeks along and didn’t know if
you were having a boy or a girl, instead of 25 weeks along and seeing an actual
baby.” Because losing a baby earlier in the pregnancy is easier than losing it
later in the pregnancy? No. No, it’s not.
These responses were all things that were said to women
experiencing loss. If you or someone you know knows someone experiencing a loss
of any kind, please share this list with them so they know what NOT to say to
the person experiencing. The best thing you can do is just be there for them,
let them cry on your shoulder, bring them a meal, help with other kids if
needed. Just be their friend.
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